Most people know Anush as one of this really Macho and indifferent guy. Someone who lacks emotions and can never get Mushy. I too sometimes, like the time that drove me to write my 2nd post, would think the same. I read my previous post and my mind began to abuse me. When i wrote it i didnt think all those emotions ran thru me. My mind was screaming not to enter the Publish button,but i did it anyway. Well i am not here to justify mt last most,o maybe jus a lil.But its days like today that i am reminded of all the wonderful things he has done for me,to celebrate and respect our Love. So da fairytale (only tht its true n very much factual) begins.
One evening early in our relationship, Anush decided to take me out for dinner to this really awesome and uptown restaurant. So i decided to put on my best dress and get ready for a magical eve. We parked outside and like a perfect gentlemen came to my side of the car and opened the door for me to step out. This only the start though. We got ourselves seated in this cozy place for two. We ordered drinks and started our usual chats. He slowly turned the ash tray upside down. I was wondering what was he upto. He then removed a small candle from his back pocket and lit it. I sat there dumbstruck. Just a few days back he asked me what my ideal date wud be like and i had imagined jus this. I was one of the lucky few who lived her dream date. The candle as it flickered light to the already lit room made me realise that i was lucky. I would not in my wildest dream imagine anush to do something like that. I quickly died down the candle and kept it in my bag. This was my first memory with him. I may forget everything someday whn i am old and gray but not once will this slip my mind.
The next incident which is close to my heart is his lil gestures. He would get me a rose and hide it under my seat or in the dashboard. My word was his command. I would jus have to say and it would happen. On several occassion i felt like havin an ice cream i wud jus have to say n the next stop is Naturals and i would be seen savouring my coffee walnut. He would slyly find out my fav band and then go ahead and burn a cd of thier latest album. The best gesture eva was : I am a massive fan of evanescence. He burnt in three cd s all the songs eva available. It wasnt as expensive as a diamond ring maybe but priceless all the same. Who cared about the price it was the intensity of the suprise that i loved.
A whole lot more to come. But untill next time try to digest this first. He hee
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Emotions Unsaid
Ronak this ones for you.
Holding him close to me,in his arms,I tried to sum up all those moments that i ll miss in the coming two months. On 1st of Jan when most people welcome the new year with a smile i had to say goodbye to my loved one with tears in my eyes. He stayed still not one drop of tear or regret in his eyes. Thats when i thought he was too much of a man to show his true feelings but surely he feels the same way i do. I had only two days with him the 31st and 1st before he left for Paris on the 4th. Me knowung jus too well that the coming days will go by in a haze. I tried to fit in all those memories of one n a half years of being with him in those two days and locked it deep within my heart. I knew they will get me through those 2 months.
The countdown began as i started to see days go by. We met but for only a few hours and that too i caught anush in one of his worse moods. He had lot on his head. It was the 3rd and we met,knowing only too well that it will be long b4 we meet again. But guess the intensity of the fact never hit him. Like he so conviently mentioned in his post he is not at all emotional, and thats exactly what was missing that day. I cried not so much because he was leaving but cause he didnt feel the distance i already felt. He explains me how differently he thinks about missing me.And i believe him. No two people are the same. Neither are we. So i had to understand that he would be perfectly fine away from me while i ll be living through what i wud clearly term it as hell.
Even before it could sink in he was in Paris. I had practically 100 s of one way conversation. With me sending msgs n not even hoping for a reply. It felt so hollow. I would run to the phone only to find out Airtel had once again been kind enuf to remind me that i was a fool to wait around for a msg. But i knew better than that. I once again comforted myself saying that it was not easy for him to keep in touch and he was doing the best he could. My mailbox stood lonely just like my emptiness.
You know the first time in my life i agree with Anush. He always tells me"sue you love me more than i do?" I never wanted to believe him,but today i do.
His post on the blog made me realise that i was maybe not missed as much as he was. And today i feel stupid to have woken up each day hoping maybe today my phone will ring,just maybe my mailbox will flash his name,jus mayb i ll hear him say what i still wait to hear..
I know jus too well what your reaction is going to be Anush. And honestly i am not blaming you. You were just who you have always been. I just see and hope to see too much of what u not. Hope this post doesnt get misunderstood my anyone,not u esplly. I am sorry if i said things which are incorrect but thats jus how i felt today after readin ur post. Emotions did take the better of me.
I love u still more than u can imagine...
Holding him close to me,in his arms,I tried to sum up all those moments that i ll miss in the coming two months. On 1st of Jan when most people welcome the new year with a smile i had to say goodbye to my loved one with tears in my eyes. He stayed still not one drop of tear or regret in his eyes. Thats when i thought he was too much of a man to show his true feelings but surely he feels the same way i do. I had only two days with him the 31st and 1st before he left for Paris on the 4th. Me knowung jus too well that the coming days will go by in a haze. I tried to fit in all those memories of one n a half years of being with him in those two days and locked it deep within my heart. I knew they will get me through those 2 months.
The countdown began as i started to see days go by. We met but for only a few hours and that too i caught anush in one of his worse moods. He had lot on his head. It was the 3rd and we met,knowing only too well that it will be long b4 we meet again. But guess the intensity of the fact never hit him. Like he so conviently mentioned in his post he is not at all emotional, and thats exactly what was missing that day. I cried not so much because he was leaving but cause he didnt feel the distance i already felt. He explains me how differently he thinks about missing me.And i believe him. No two people are the same. Neither are we. So i had to understand that he would be perfectly fine away from me while i ll be living through what i wud clearly term it as hell.
Even before it could sink in he was in Paris. I had practically 100 s of one way conversation. With me sending msgs n not even hoping for a reply. It felt so hollow. I would run to the phone only to find out Airtel had once again been kind enuf to remind me that i was a fool to wait around for a msg. But i knew better than that. I once again comforted myself saying that it was not easy for him to keep in touch and he was doing the best he could. My mailbox stood lonely just like my emptiness.
You know the first time in my life i agree with Anush. He always tells me"sue you love me more than i do?" I never wanted to believe him,but today i do.
His post on the blog made me realise that i was maybe not missed as much as he was. And today i feel stupid to have woken up each day hoping maybe today my phone will ring,just maybe my mailbox will flash his name,jus mayb i ll hear him say what i still wait to hear..
I know jus too well what your reaction is going to be Anush. And honestly i am not blaming you. You were just who you have always been. I just see and hope to see too much of what u not. Hope this post doesnt get misunderstood my anyone,not u esplly. I am sorry if i said things which are incorrect but thats jus how i felt today after readin ur post. Emotions did take the better of me.
I love u still more than u can imagine...
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Caught In The Middle
I am not a Hindu. I am not a MUslim. Does that make me any less an Indian. I guess not. Because our bloods shed too when there is a war between religions. Our lives are sacrificed too. Our bodies are charred too. Innocent people die as the guilty live on to take revenge.
Movies like Black Friday and Parzania bring out the truth,truth that is obvious. But still no one wants to hear it. Everyone prefers to be in denial. Theaters are packed with people who only want to pass thier time. The insensity of the movie touches only a few. The few who lived the horror of 1993. The scenes in the movie could barely make me recall what had happened to me. At the age of 9, my memory does not allow me to recall every aspect. But the movie almost after a decade made me realise what my family had been through. To close my eyes and thank God for keeping us safe.
On 2nd March,1993, i turned 9. I didnt do much cause we were already hit by the riots somewhere around decmber and rumours had it that it would be sometime before we had a reason to rejoice. So my parents kept my birthday low profile. March came with a bang (pun intended). As i recollect i was in school. Tensed teachers and parents were gathered in the small compound of my school. My school being situated in the heart of south bombay made it even worse. We were instructed to get out of our classrooms and wait untill one of our parents werent here to take us home. For me it was yet another holiday. Just when i ran to meet the loving arms of my mom all excieted to ask her why we were left so soon, i heard a big blast. It was the worli one. I thought a fire cracker went off. My sister held my had. She 12 then knew beter than that. She said it was a bomb blast. having a very peaceful childhood so far, i was new to these words. But today jus few days after my birthday i was gifted with this. Something i wont forget in a long long time. My father was not in town then. My mom held our hands and rushed us home. The shops were shut. There were police everywhere. We stayed at a very central location. That seemed like a nice idea almost 40 yrs ago when my grandparents bought the house but today they thought again. I was made to sit at home for days. Balcony was off limits to us. News had it that bombs went off several places. But i was refrained from watchin the television either. Muslims who lived in our building had vaccated. So did the Hindus. Majority of us who were neither were stuck there. Men dressed in uniforms haunted the roads day n night with these huge riffles. I heard the shooting voices time and again. But the intensity of the situation never sunk in. Each night i could still sleep in peace. Many Innocent people lost their lives. Neighbours brought in supplies to our house. Soon my dad joined us. He couldnt come earlier cause no trains were allowed to come to Bombay. I was not afraid. I never once felt it. For this i have only my family to thank. My granny used to spin lovely stories at night, you know the happy ending ones,that got us through most of this. Finally after what seemed like centuary of imprisionment at home, we were moved to a safer place in someplace north of bombay. Life was suprisingly normal out there. No men in uniform daunted the street,no bangs and shooting noise. But still we stayed at my uncles place for almost two to three weeks. I was wondering if we ll ever go back. Back to my Home. Would it be safe all by itself.
But i returned. I dont know when or how but i was safe once again at a place i called my home. My family was togather again. My school started a few days later. Life went back to how it used to be. Beside the lil fact that,worried parents still gathered in the compound at 8 am and 4pm. I didnt know it was such a big deal. That thousands had lost their lives. I saw the century bazar, air India building and i could never recognise that once a building stood there in place of these rubbles. It took them only months to clear the place. Bodies were found each time they cleared the rubbles. A loved one was found but yet lost. For me life was no different. For i was untouched by this. But today almost after 122 months i realised the trauma and the significance of March 1993. I sat in the theater dumbstruck. I couldnt believe that i had lived through all of that. I cant believe the reason behind it.
We worry so much about the external terror. The threat to our country across the border. What we really should worry about is Our own people. People who call this Their country. ]
I am not a Hindu. I am not a Muslim. Still i was caught in the middle.
Movies like Black Friday and Parzania bring out the truth,truth that is obvious. But still no one wants to hear it. Everyone prefers to be in denial. Theaters are packed with people who only want to pass thier time. The insensity of the movie touches only a few. The few who lived the horror of 1993. The scenes in the movie could barely make me recall what had happened to me. At the age of 9, my memory does not allow me to recall every aspect. But the movie almost after a decade made me realise what my family had been through. To close my eyes and thank God for keeping us safe.
On 2nd March,1993, i turned 9. I didnt do much cause we were already hit by the riots somewhere around decmber and rumours had it that it would be sometime before we had a reason to rejoice. So my parents kept my birthday low profile. March came with a bang (pun intended). As i recollect i was in school. Tensed teachers and parents were gathered in the small compound of my school. My school being situated in the heart of south bombay made it even worse. We were instructed to get out of our classrooms and wait untill one of our parents werent here to take us home. For me it was yet another holiday. Just when i ran to meet the loving arms of my mom all excieted to ask her why we were left so soon, i heard a big blast. It was the worli one. I thought a fire cracker went off. My sister held my had. She 12 then knew beter than that. She said it was a bomb blast. having a very peaceful childhood so far, i was new to these words. But today jus few days after my birthday i was gifted with this. Something i wont forget in a long long time. My father was not in town then. My mom held our hands and rushed us home. The shops were shut. There were police everywhere. We stayed at a very central location. That seemed like a nice idea almost 40 yrs ago when my grandparents bought the house but today they thought again. I was made to sit at home for days. Balcony was off limits to us. News had it that bombs went off several places. But i was refrained from watchin the television either. Muslims who lived in our building had vaccated. So did the Hindus. Majority of us who were neither were stuck there. Men dressed in uniforms haunted the roads day n night with these huge riffles. I heard the shooting voices time and again. But the intensity of the situation never sunk in. Each night i could still sleep in peace. Many Innocent people lost their lives. Neighbours brought in supplies to our house. Soon my dad joined us. He couldnt come earlier cause no trains were allowed to come to Bombay. I was not afraid. I never once felt it. For this i have only my family to thank. My granny used to spin lovely stories at night, you know the happy ending ones,that got us through most of this. Finally after what seemed like centuary of imprisionment at home, we were moved to a safer place in someplace north of bombay. Life was suprisingly normal out there. No men in uniform daunted the street,no bangs and shooting noise. But still we stayed at my uncles place for almost two to three weeks. I was wondering if we ll ever go back. Back to my Home. Would it be safe all by itself.
But i returned. I dont know when or how but i was safe once again at a place i called my home. My family was togather again. My school started a few days later. Life went back to how it used to be. Beside the lil fact that,worried parents still gathered in the compound at 8 am and 4pm. I didnt know it was such a big deal. That thousands had lost their lives. I saw the century bazar, air India building and i could never recognise that once a building stood there in place of these rubbles. It took them only months to clear the place. Bodies were found each time they cleared the rubbles. A loved one was found but yet lost. For me life was no different. For i was untouched by this. But today almost after 122 months i realised the trauma and the significance of March 1993. I sat in the theater dumbstruck. I couldnt believe that i had lived through all of that. I cant believe the reason behind it.
We worry so much about the external terror. The threat to our country across the border. What we really should worry about is Our own people. People who call this Their country. ]
I am not a Hindu. I am not a Muslim. Still i was caught in the middle.
Paris Through His Eyes
I may never have seen what an International Airport lobby looks like or how a stamped visa to europe looks like. I may never know the anxiety one goes through of being in a new land. A land you can never call your own.The feeling of being away from loved ones, to go to a place a stranger calls it his home. All these emotions packed up within,heavier than the bags packed-thats how He felt when he left home to go away for two months to a small town called Angers.
It was the 5th of January,2007. People werent even outta of the new year hangover,that he had to leave. But the worst part being he would turn 21 this year on the 7th of Jan. He was among strangers. People he barely knew for a couple of days. I was sad. Sad that his 21st wont be a memorable one. But how wrong was i. It was maybe one of the best birthday one could have.Maybe even i could not make him feel the way these lovely people he stayed with made him feel. Yes they made him feel at Home. This post or maybe the very pupose of my blog is to show my gratitude to the lovely couple Bernard and Aliette.
I ve known them for two months now.Never once spoken to them or seen them for real. But they were brought to life by Anush. They welcomed him not only to their home but also into their hearts. With them he had found a home away from home. Strangers slowly turned into friends and now what i call them as family. Its funny how staying so far away he s among people he knows and me staying right where i ve been for years still feel like i am among strangers. I thought finding strangers turning into someone you can trust and like was a thing of past. I still find trouble trusting people i ve known for 8 months o more now. But Bernard and Aliette made me believe that it could be true. They not only let him in but me too. Eachday i would look forward to be a part of their family. Secretly pray that someday i could live a life like this. That i grow old with the one i love and love him just as much as they do. I may not be in the position to pass a comment like this one,considering the fact i ve never met them,but i doubt i could be wrong.
Lastly, I thank them to let me in on their lives for the past two months. Making Anush's two months one of the most memorable moments. Through his eyes i saw a world i had never seen in the past 23 years. This all may sound really silly to the ones reading it.
But today Aliette and Bernard are no strangers to me.
It was the 5th of January,2007. People werent even outta of the new year hangover,that he had to leave. But the worst part being he would turn 21 this year on the 7th of Jan. He was among strangers. People he barely knew for a couple of days. I was sad. Sad that his 21st wont be a memorable one. But how wrong was i. It was maybe one of the best birthday one could have.Maybe even i could not make him feel the way these lovely people he stayed with made him feel. Yes they made him feel at Home. This post or maybe the very pupose of my blog is to show my gratitude to the lovely couple Bernard and Aliette.
I ve known them for two months now.Never once spoken to them or seen them for real. But they were brought to life by Anush. They welcomed him not only to their home but also into their hearts. With them he had found a home away from home. Strangers slowly turned into friends and now what i call them as family. Its funny how staying so far away he s among people he knows and me staying right where i ve been for years still feel like i am among strangers. I thought finding strangers turning into someone you can trust and like was a thing of past. I still find trouble trusting people i ve known for 8 months o more now. But Bernard and Aliette made me believe that it could be true. They not only let him in but me too. Eachday i would look forward to be a part of their family. Secretly pray that someday i could live a life like this. That i grow old with the one i love and love him just as much as they do. I may not be in the position to pass a comment like this one,considering the fact i ve never met them,but i doubt i could be wrong.
Lastly, I thank them to let me in on their lives for the past two months. Making Anush's two months one of the most memorable moments. Through his eyes i saw a world i had never seen in the past 23 years. This all may sound really silly to the ones reading it.
But today Aliette and Bernard are no strangers to me.
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