Trip To Realisation......

I have walked through life believing all is Good that nothing or noone could be bad. Maybe thats why i was made to realize.

Not long ago i hurt someone i love the most. Someone who is the most precious to me. I hurt him knowingly n unknwingly but he never made me realise. He only remained with me throughout the process of my trip to realisation like a rock. I told him all that i felt and i can only imagine how much it must have pinched him but he neva made me realise. If i was him he wud have been in for some huge trouble. But no not him. He was more like an Angel, u knw like who allows us to make our mistakes, n catch us whn we fall. Well ya somethin like that.

To begin jus as the distance was gettin to me i realised that mayb i needed somebody to b by my side all the time. I was basically an attn seeking gal. So vulnerable that i cud not make out the good from the worse. So yup like u must ave guessed i was lured to the worse. I spoke to him, confided in him only to realise one day that he was a phoney. Someone who wud go to any length to get the attn n seem like all nice n all. But not once in so many days was he real to me o himself. Things got way out of hand n i didnt knw how to handle them. So i went to my loving Angel. he told me in a very subtle way wht to do n whr i was goin wrong. I wished so much that i had done completely wht he asked me to. I did so put only partially. So then i was bound to fall in trouble again. This time the fool crossed the limits whn to the heights tht wud not be tolerated by any person. But i had lost all patience then n saw exactly what my Angel wanted me to see...

I see it today but its all so late. I realise now but mayb too late. I wish i could go back in time n undo,but its too late.I wish i could ease my lovers pain, but its all too late.....

Someone told me we all learn somethin new each day.. "Today i learnt NOT TO TRUST SOMEONE EASILY",...... Thank u life for teaching me that.. And once again than u Anush - my Angel for catchin me eachtime i fall n for being there for me no matter what......

For Kanna...

I know the turbulence Kanna has been goin thu. A new place. New people. New course. But he is dealing with this in the most magnificent manner. I admire him for that. I always keep complainin about how he neva gives me time o doesnt say enuf o do enuf but then again i am bein only silly.He wakes up each mornin at 6.00 am so that he can talk to me. I can barely get a few words out early mornin while he is able to carry out a whole conversation for good 1 n half hour. And i still complain. I say it i complain n then i realise how wrong i am. He is not the kind who is very verbal about his emotion but he sure knows how to get his love across to me. I love you kanna. No matter what. At times i expect you to be like always tellin me how much i meanto u o how much i love u. While all this while u are but i refuse to see it. Jaanu. I miss u loads and i know i ll see u soon.. Please dont get annoyed with my childish stmts...

"Forgive Me"Can you forgive me again?I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now to kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you.........

------Evanescence.

Somehow the above lyrics seem quite apt abt the way i feel.. Jaanu i always blame u n we fight. Sometimes i tend to get unreasonable. At times i may be right. But you have always been there for me. And most of all I love u for loving me.. ovabi...

24th August......

Today: 24th August


I slamed the door and promised never to come back...





Characters:


Narrator: In first Person. Samantha Lou.


Adrian: Rupert Berg.





1 months back:


We lay there in each others arms. A month away from the big night we have both waited for. We were goin to get married on the 24th August. The date we both recall as a turn point in our lives. I thought i had met happiness but not untill i met Adrian i knw what true happiness meant. Adrain was nothin like the other guys i have met. He was handsome and most of all extremely sensitive. He would hear me out while i narrated my entire day to the last detail. But Adrian never lost patience. He infact wud encourage me to say more.





I never realised that its his this silence that will get me all huffy with him someday.





Today:
(A couple of hours Back)

Adrian walked through the door. I stood silently in the kitchen. I could see he had had a rough day. I as usual spoke about what my day comprised of. We spoke regularly so there was very lil left to say. I probed adrian to speak. He lay silent all he said was that he was in no mood to discuss it. He never did. I knew that the best thing to do at these times is to jus leave it at that. So once again i felt the pang of pain in my heart n i continued with my work. After all i was supposed to understand him.. I had to spend the rest of my life with him. I had to adjust n accept him for who he is.





4 months back:

Adrain was about to leave for a trip to London for 2 months. I took an off from work so that i could spend the entire day with him. I helped him pack. I cooked his favourite dish, i knew he was goin to miss Indian food for awhile. We lay on the bed all day long jus before he had to catch his 2.00 am flight. We spoke about everythin we could fit in 20 hours. I cried a lil since it was the first time he was goin to be away for awhile. There were three hours away before we had to reach the airport. We were getting ready to leave. He was throwing on of his last minute jitters.
I would barely know what it feels like to be away from home all alone with strangers around me, i ve not stepped out of India even once. He was getting huffy with everythin i had to say.I reminded him to take his cell phone n keys, he jus snapped back at me. Tears welled my eyes. But i knew i could barely say anythin he was leavin and i was not goin to see him for a very long time. So i stacked in all my ego n jus smiled back, said a sorry and we stepped into the car.



Today:
(A couple of hours back)

I had a bad day at work. It was my last day at work before i went on a 3 week holiday. I had to wrap up everythin. Had a long n tiring day. Adrain walked up to me in the room to cheer me up, he sensed my sentiments. I jus nudged him away. He still held me close n kissed me. He told me to jus talk it out. I snapped back this time told him that he ll never understand then why bother. It was not Adrain's fault at al.. But he silently took it. He didnt yell back at all.. He jus said in his most cutest baby voice "But I love You"..

7 months ago:

Adrain and I had just completed our 4th year anniversary. I walked into Adrain's parents house at about 7 ish. He asked me to close my eyes and walk in. I did as i was told. I was made to stop just where his dinning table lay. I opened my eyes to see a nice chocolate cake (our fav) along wid a candle wid a red ribbon on it. It was the exact same day but not this happened years ago. Some three months of our relationship. Today we completed a year,but no suprises, no red rose under my seat, no burnt loved cd, no cake. But then again, wat had i done so special for Adrain that he had to do so for me. We only met for an hour to celebrate the only date that meant anythin to me. But what was more important was that we were togather. I failed to see that then.

Today:

Tears filled my eyes as i left the familiar building. I turned behing several times hoping to see a familiar face asking me to wait, to come back. But no one came. I walked on. Not knowing where i was going. It was early morning. But i still walked on hoping that my feet would take me to the place i belong. But i knew much to well that I belonged right by Adrain's side, in his arms. But when did things get so bitter. I loved Adrain n he loved me too i knew. Was i making a huge mistake. Was it once again a fight blown outta propotion. I had no chice this time. I refused to budge. I knew in no time i would hear Adrain's footsteps o him calling my cell phone to appologise. But i was begin to wonder how much longer wud i have to wait. What if he never called. Did that mean there was goin to be no wedding at 10.00 am.

I was loosing sight. I could not see well, wonder if they were tears o just my head spinning. I finally got off the building and onto the road. I went to the nearest park and seated myself there. There were only a few others there. My cell phone suddenly rang, i smiled but only to be disappointed. It wasn't Adrian it was my mother. Asking me the last minute detail plans. I told her all was well n that i wud call her later. The sun had barely come up. What was supposed to be my most happiest day was turning into the most diastrous one. I closed my eyes n prayed to God. I asked him to give methe strength to face it all. I knewAdrain would be here. It was after all where we spent most our lazin evenings. But he did not come. My phone did not ring. There was only 4 hours left brfore the wedding bells cud ring. I decided to forget it all n call him up. I knew Adrain he had too much of an ego. I tried calling him his cell was switched off. None of his friends knew where he was.

I suddenly got all nervous. i was worried. I prayed he was alright. Where could he be. I searched everywhere. Only one place was left. The Marriage Hall. I dreaded to go there. I knew it was too early for anyone else to be there but yet. I slowly walked up the path i hoped to walk in my wedding attire. I was in my jeans n jacket trying to protect myself from more than jus the chill.

I entered the dark hallway n into the room meant for the groom. Suddenly i heard the familiar lyrics in the silence of the room. A voice so distinct and known. It was none other than Adrain. He sang in his sweet voice " Come live your life with me".

He drew me close and kissed me like we have never kissed before. I savoured every minute. I closed my eyes and tears adorned my eyes. But this time they were not cause i was in pain,but in love. My heart was beating fast. We drew apart. He whispered in my ears in his most loving voice," Go get dressed honey, we have a marriage to attend"...

24th August: Adrain Weds Samantha

They live ever after.....( for me iys only once we go throught the pain that we can value the happiness we have.. So i would want a lil bit of both in my life. Just the duration of happiness sud be longer ;)

*Note: This story is ficticious and has no direct o indirect relevance to anybody. No offense is meant to anyone. It has no real connotation. No one was hurt while writing or thinking about this plot... I must say a work of Art..

I wanna rite today not beause i must but coz i want to relieve the pain witin me. Sadness engulfs me. Darkness takes its toll on me. I am feeling giddy. My eyes close n i fall to the floor with a "thud". I have never felt more peaceful, more relieved, more happy. All instances of my life flash right in front of me. One by one each monent, i silently let it pass me as they all come to life. Tainted me. Huanted me. Made this pain even worse.



I woke up in a place whr there was no one but me. I tried to speak but had lost my voice. I could see at a distance a very thin n fragile gal. She wasnt alone. There was a tall, broad shouldered guy standing in front of her. I could not see them clearly so i moved ahead. I recognised the faces but faintly. The boy looked through me. But the girl sensed my presence n turned around. She looked into my eyes. Her look penetrated deeper. Her eyes showed pain,dissappointment. I knew her. I knew her well. She was ME. I looked at him. Hoping he wud recognise me. He looked in my direction for only a second before he turned to the girl again. He held her by the shoulder. Shaking her roughly, "wht are u lookin at?tThere isnt anyone standing there". I realised, nothing had changed.



Silently, the girl turned away. She heard him.Heard him yelling,shouting. She remaned unaffected. Almost numb. Her eyes were filled with tears. I could see how each word made her wounds grow deeper. He was agry. I am sure she must have said something trigger it off. She must have dared to disagree. Over the years i had realised that to succmb to his will was the easier n less painful way. I hoped she would not rebel o retaliate. She didnt. She only silently cried.



He broke down. He had had enough. He held her and pulled her close to her. He hugged her tight afraid that his actions may result in loosig her. O that if he didnt hold her tight enough she ll dissappear. He closed his eyes and fought his tears away. She succumbed once again. She returned his hug. He moved away and gently kissed her lips. She didnt move away. She allowed him to. She still loved him. I stood there. Silently absorbing all that was goin on. She didnt once stand up for herself. What was she afraid of?



They both dissappeared,while i was once again left to my lonliness.Who was that girl i wondered. She looked jus like me,but then when did i become this way. I was always fearless. Never succumbed to another. O did I? My head got heavier. The pain was only getting worse.



Suddenly i felt a hand on my waist. It was him, i could neva forget that touch. He twirled me. Pulled me close to him so that i could feel his body press against mine. He lay a passionate kiss on my lips. We parted what felt like after an hour. He whispered in my ears still holding me close,"I am sorry ma. Please dont leave me. I love you." He was crying. pulling me closer he sobbed. I gave in. I held him close. Kissed him. Assured him i wasnt goin anyway. We both stood there in the dark. When i felt the throbbing pain again. My head got heavy, my limbs wea. I fell to the floor with a "thud".



When i woke up, he was right there next to me. My hand were entwined with his.He looked at me with concerned eyes. He smiled at me. He was the only one there. I looked around i was not in my room o in the dark room where i last saw myself. He leaned forward and kissed me.



What s it that i share with him.? My life is incomplete without him and yet i complain of his presence. Why do I seem to complicate what we have? Why do i picture him to be what he may not be? Why do i still pray for that nothing wud change? That he stilled remained the same.The one who cried for me. The one who was afraid to loose me. Who wud be every bit crazy and tell practicabilty to fuck off.



Why cant i realise that our love has reached another level. Where there is a silent agreement between the both of us that we Love one another. That we have the rest of our lives to show each other how much we love one another.

I am here now,but he isnt..

28th August,2007.

Its on days like these i get totally frustrated in life. Lose faith in Love, in God, in his promising words. Like promised i was at the cyber cafe at precisely 7.35 pm IST. It is Raksha Bandhan here I meet Ravi after ages. Rushed to church since it was tuesday. Did all of this so tht i could be here at the cyber cafe by the stipulated time. I am here right now but he isnt.

Anush u have no idea how frusting it is to be seated through all odds and not been responded to. I know mayb its no fault of urs and knowin my fate I can be least assured i have it to blame. I have no means of communicating with the one i love. I feel depressed n lonely all day. But console myself tht soon it ll be eve n u can go chat with him. I am here now but he isnt.

Blank screen flashes only my frantic messages. No response no reply. Tried every means by which i could find u. But no response no reply. u ll come on for sure i falsly console myself. I wait here in the mist of all these ppl,feeling sad n lonely. I am here now but he isnt.

The time n moment will have passed when u read this. Mayb i feel less heavy in my heart. It wont be 7.30 or 8.30 anymore. I wont be there still,but you will..

I am inspired to write about my interpretation to the whole coffee n stories. An interpretation of a women.

Priorities. A word that is synonym to Anush. All this while and mayb for the rest of my life thats how exactly its goin to be. But then again thats my choice. A place i ave given him out of my own will. He has not asked for it. I read Anush's blog before i read Mr dreamvendors. But i knew the jist.

I ll take u a lil back in time. Words that left your mouth jus in innocence made me realise my place in your life. We were heading back home after one of our final day goodbye rendevous. We were almost 5 min away from my place. You in absolute innocence looked at me n said i need to prioritize my life. I need to think abt my career n wht i want to do in life. In complete fun i uttered, "all i want to do is spend the rest of my life with you ". But that only angered you. You ll still recall as that was the very sentence that agitated the lil argument that followed. After a few heated words i asked you "why aint i your`priority?". You said,"Sue if u were my priority i would not be goin to the US. Instead taken the IBM job and been with you." Those words still resonate in my mind. This was no suprise to me. I knew it that Loving him meant lovin him in totality and i most loved this side to him. I was and still aint practical in life and he brings the much needed stability in my life. I refuse to think from my head. So Anush becomes my mind.

But i ve drifted away. I narrated the above incident only to link it how a women sees a relationship and how men view it,even though they are lookin at the exact same thing. I m not goin to apply any of the Venus n Mars explanation here.

Many a times, lets keep it most of the times,women need to be treated as lil princesses. Thats why they call thier love thier "prince charmin no". But over a period of time a man finds it needless to show his affection time n again. The affection after sometime in a relationship is replaced by stability. He starts thinking abt how much he loves you n how he can provide all the comfort in the world to you. He hence takes a step ahead towads practicability and leaves craziness behind. A women sees this as an act of selfishness. But one does not think that its to secure their future. One of thier foot ought to be on ground. And most often than not its that of a men.

Men dont try and understand this. They simply believe that their course of action is right and continue to live so. Did you even once consider her feelings. Did siddhart once ask mansi how she saw the whole thing. Did he once ask her to be his strength. Did he once try and explain her? No, he did not. He made a decision and forced it on her. When u enter a relationship u have to realise u r no more a I, instead a We. I knw u still an individual, but u have to realise that u affect the life of another in a manner u can never imagine. You bring her into ur life and then keep her in one dark corner of your heart. A place were everythin else becomes a priority and she a shadow.

Anush mentioned that career and relationship never meet. Its like sayin two souls never meet. Its implyin that your part of the life is no business of mine. Then how can there exist an "us" if a me co-exists. A partner is someone to whom u open up your doors Anush not shut them out. Your career is equally important to me as it is to you. All i ask you is to make me a part of it. I know i may never understand a single terminology of Engineering but i wanna try to be a part of that life of yours.

Mansi would have never bailed out if he would have made her feel as much a part of his life. He lost his craziness when he was there. She waited for her prince charming to woo her away but he didnt. Even when he got back after a year he was this stable strong guy who only confirmed his love for her but refused to show it. But i wont say what mansi did was right. When u say u love someone you would never walk out on him. No relations work on miracle. They ought to be made to work. You have to believe in your love and see how much strength tht love gives you. You can face jus abt anythin. even death,then wht is distance huh?

Siddhart was jus another guy and Mansi was jus a foolish lover. It hurts for me to even think of givin my body n soul to someone only to wake up one mornin and walk away. I either love him n no one else o jus love someone else. Its not fair on meera. But siddharth didnt care. Meera was as usual caught in the middle. But if i was Meera i wud ave slapped Siddharth and walked off coz no justifications are excusable.

A relationship as rightfully stated by Anush, is based on trust and understanding and not on someones physical being. Anush is miles apart from me but its his thoughts alone that lingers on in my mind. Its his absence alone that brings a tear to me. Its his mail alone that gives me a will to live a day longer. Its his smiling face that gives me hope. Its his kind words, his assurance as he held my hand and promised me to return soon,before the neeta volvo drove my love away fom me. I still remain helpless. A situation totally out of my hand. But happily accepted,becoz it made him happy. Its his choice and i ll support it throgh n through. I may not get to see him for months o hear his voice on the other line. I may not be able to celebrate our two year anniversary togather o cry away my trobles.O lay in his arms till the mornin sun.

But one thing that Anush gave me before he left is priceless and somethin that no one can take it away from me: MEMORIES. A whole lot of them (that includes the book too kanna). Thats when i think to myself. Hmmm mayb this diatance is not all that bad. Mayb Anush is not selfish at all. If anythin i was bein ridiculous.

I agree to Anush's theory of two independent lives to a certain extent but kanna u ve to try n see wht i am tryin to say. the intersection of the two circles should make up for a greater area than the other two individual sides.. Thats when two lovers become a Couple..

Jannu i am not sure how u gonna read and interpret it. But its only fair that i voice out how i feel ; I am afraid that this mayb read wrongly n create a misunderstanding. I hope to God it doesnt.

On a final note: Thank you kanna for loving me the way you have. I am the luckiest Women. I ave my Angel as my love as my life as my Anush.

Kanna......



I Love You



Nan unai Kadalikerain

Trust is one word that I ve neva understood.. What makes u trust a person? Why should I trust him? What if one morning only to wake up and see that I ve been left all alone. That I ve to pick up the pieces n walk aaway. What happens to the trust? Does trust bind two ppl to be together o compel them to stay together. Is that why marriages have a need to be made legal and not love alone?

For the one whose goin to read this let me clarify: These rantings are not subjected top you o any particular thing tht happened,even though most of my posts are. Its only a passing thought. Now let me begin as to where this thought came abt....

One quite afternoon i lay in the bed. When ssuddenly the phone rings. The number on the screen looks familiar. I pick up knowin exactly whose goin to greet me with his lovely, "Hi Sue". But the voice didnt hold the same enthusiasm. Maybe da whole days work was getting to him. I didnt bother much, but my heart warned me that somethin terribly wrong was goin to happe.. After an exchange of few words he went straight to the point. His voice turned sad. He told me that he had started to get feelings for someone else. That he had gotten closer to someone else. The distance had atlast caused the fnal drift today. I held the phone silently. Too shocked to let tears take over. He asked me as to what he should do. I smiled more at the forces than da sad demise tht my life was goin thru. I stayed quite for awhile n spoke what i know i would even though i was well aware with all the abusive terms which i cud make use of in a situation like this.. But i choose the obvious. I said," If you had the courage to come and tell me tht u like someone else, tht by itself indicates tht those feelings are stronger than what u feel for me. Its obvious and quite clear tht those are the feeelings that need your attention and not me anymore." I told him to choose what his heart wanted and it obviously wanted her, so he sud go ahead and have anice life.. But do me a favour never to call me o meet me eva again. It ll be a part of that ll die tooday. " all i can say today is tht thank u for bringing me all tht u did in my life. you gave me hope to live, You gave me LIfe. Today as u walk away you take tht part along with u.. I ll miss you an will always love you, even though u dont anymore." I hung up..

Suddenly tears filled my eyes. I woke up with a sudden jerk only to find myself lyin on the bed and barely able to see thru all the tears . My heart felt heavy like it was in deep pain. I wiped away the tears and sat up straight. Suddenly i was afraid.. Afraid what will i do if this dream materialised someday. I said to myself that i trust him and he ll neva do somethin like that, but my conscience believed otherwise.. Hadnt it all happened to me before.. I know this time it was much different. But i have given so much of my self to this relationship tht i am afraid.. afraid to be left all bare n alone..

I trust u kanna and i hope that day neva comes.. I may ave done things that may not have exactly proved me trustworthy either but in my defense i ve always loved you and respected our love for one another and ll neva insult that by lovin someone else o drifting away even for a moment. I am sorry ma at any point in time tht i ve breached ur trust..

Thank You Ronak

I was skeptical whether I was once again letting my paranoid side takeover me. I lay asleep on the bed only to fool the Gods of Good Night. It was 1.00 am in my watch at this side of the world. He told me he'll reach safely onto the other end by 12.30 midnight, Friday the 20th of July,07. He had'nt. I thought maybe the clearance was taking more time than required.I had one shot nap before i was woken awake by my fears. I had to be at work by 8. For the first time i wished the night would pass by fast.



At about 6.30 when i could'nt take no more, I picked up my phone to message him. It remained undelivered. I called him right thereafter. Airtel disappointed me once again. How helpless i felt. Now i know how feels to be totally handicapped,where you are totally unaware of the situation and so unable to do much. By now it was 7.00 am. My paranoid side had completely taken over me and i picked up the phone and messaged Ronak Shah. The exact msg ll not be displayed here coz those who still feel i am a strong person i wud like them to be wid the same perception.



But i guess after witnessing two such attacks earlier Ronak remaind undeterred. I was not at the last stage. At about 8.30 am I lost all the grace and called Ronak up. He was kind enuf to pick up my call. I straight came to the point after a few exchange of pleasent words. I think my sentences were totally disconnected. I told him to please call up Appa n find out if Anush had reached. A few minuteslater my phone rang. Like i expected it was Ronak. He told me that he had reached and that he must b asleep due to the jet lag..

Now here comes the greatness of a true friend.. And thats y i always envy Anush's frnds. Ronak had absolutely no business going to all this trouble. On a friday morning jus before he had to get to work. That too a calol from work I presume. Neither did he once whine o crib.. I ll use this platform to express my gratitude to him. "Thank You Ronak"...

It All comes Down To This...

I never knew it would be this difficult. I have been through what most people call "A Lot" but still i neva broke down o felt as empty as today.

Finally the bus arrived. He hopeped into it. But his bag under his seat(a habbit we all Indians have coz v jus refuse to trust another), and came out to catch up on whateva lil time we had. We had spent two whole days but it seemed less. As a matter of fact we had two whole years and it still feels less. We both had ran out of words. Words felt so insignificant, moments so short,time to had turned his back on us. But still we stood there hand in hand to only to make the most of the time we had with eachother. He said he ll be back soon. I nodded. Soon always had thissoothing effect on me. It gave me hope, a reason. The bus conductor instructed him to step in. He obidiently did so. It ripped my heart as his hand slowly left mine. He went back to his seat. I waited there determined to leave only once his bus gains momentum. We only stared but for the first time our hearts did the talikn. Our tears witnessed our love and our ability to smile through it all asssured us our committment. The bus didnt budge so finally i lost patience n walked in. He jumped of his seat like it was the first time we were meeting in years. We both held hands n stood there in silence. We had so much to say and so less time. Ironic na. when we had al the time in the world we had absolutely nothin to say. I didnt wanna leave him. I felt that if i jus continued to hold him like this mayb, u knw jus maybe he would wait back. But i knw i demanded a lil too much. I am jus happy abt the time we spent toather. Evey fight now seems irrelevant, every taunt has no mean today. Only the words of love and affection resonate as in the darkness of the nite i take your name..

I knw it ll be dificult for the both of us. But for me it means much more. No distance can take my love away from me. You are a part of me. Through all my success we ll rejoice togather. In all my failures u ll be my strength.

Kanna, Nan Unai Kadalikerain...

Far Far Away

No this isnt the begining of a fairytale. Neither is this one of those rantings which will have a happy ending. Cause how can any seperation be happy. for better or for worse today for once i am going to be selfish when i say i wish he didnt have to leave.....


I was always told by people with bright orange turbans that i ll have to struggle and wait long before i get something. I guess its times like these i am forced to believe them. Jus when i had all the happiness in the world, God decides to snatch it away frm me in one way o another. I never complained. Silently took it to be my fate. But not today. No its not fair that he has to leave.



I am left with a handful of messages,an inbox filled with mails and whats my most favourite "his memories". He ll be back soon but only to leave. His each mail is like my life line. I hear his voice evryday but can that replace his presence? I guess not. Can i see him appear in front of me, hold me, kiss me. How can i walk into Naturals n not be reminded of him. How can i walk on the endless winding roads of Jm rd n not recall all the times we spent together?

Why does fate n life have to test me on every step of my life. We console ourselves sayin mayb this is for the better. But let me ask you how can any distance be less painful. How will u justify all the tears? How will u find the better in the pain i go through? How will u explain his absence when i want him the most? How will u make me see the good when I will walk to Dugduseth all by myself, while two yrs all I ve prayed is to be together.?

Distance is all that i ave to live for today. My entire life revolves around 4.30 pm. I am me only then. I come to life.

Detach Yourself...

Freedom of speech is not free anymore. It comes with a price to pay. That’s exactly what Mr. James Laine got for expressing himself. Most people are just happy with a Booker Award to acclaim their work, so much for that happening Mr. Laine.
Thats not what i choose elaborate today. But about the half an hour i spent at the tyrewallas shop yest. it was about 8.30 in the eve. I had to urgently repair my headlights as my daddy's lil princess (no not me, my sister) needed to take it to work.,which by the way is exactly a km away. Nyway, being a Monday all the garages were shut on my side of town and had to beg for help from the what was then the only shop open, a place that fixed tyres(not sure wht a webster wud call it). The man was really kind,unlike the general ones you meet in a shady place like this. I told him my plight and he immediately removed his cell and started talkin to a guy to come by to his shop. he looked at me and smiled gently and went back to his group of frnds. Now with all the rape cases, murders doing the rounds i should have jus taken my bike and left. Trust me if u wud have just got the honour to see anyone of them u would have confirmed my thought.
Accompaning the kind man, lets call him Anna,was a small boy,call him chotu. He was all happy and acting like Mr know all. We all waited patiently for the mechanical engineer to appear(no offense to nyone). He came riding on his super cool splendor. Lets call him Ghostrider.He asked wht the problem was. I told him in detail. since i had got this job done a several times before i knw how it worked. He cribbed thru out for havin him called for such a petty matter. Anna told him that i was a girl n whr wud i go for help at this Hr. Chotu mostly jus contributed thru his smile. there was the taunting man too. He was the main character of my story. He immediately told the ghostrider" kya be, kya footage kha rahela hai". Mostly the conversation was meeting them. The ghostrider in dugust tuirned to me n said," kal tak nahi ruk sakte the kya". I lied sayin i had to go to work and would return only at about two n neede the headlights as the roads werent good. The taunting guy smiled n said,"ise kay pata. ye toh sirf kaam se ghar ka rasta janta hai. Agar pata hota toh ye bolta kya." We all gathered in the roars of laughter suprisingly me too. I actaully felt friendly.
How i have always looked at these ppl wid suspicion and today i wasnt afraid to be in their company. An only girl talking to random ppl is definately not safe but had no fear. Most ppl wud not approve but i dont care. I ve come a long way and years have taught me to see the good from the bad.
Anna may have seen the daughter in me, and made it his business to see that i was safe. While my own father sat at home not even bothering to call me once..

Warning!!!!!!

Now that we all three know that exactly three of us log on to this blog. It is really mean if even these two people dont find it worth to set aside a lil time to comment. Just so i know my efforts are appreciated. Mind u its an effort my lil bird brain actually comes up wid somethin is worth a comment itself. So this is a warning note. I dont find comments no further post.... (I knw u wont be missing much but still a lil importance is all i am openly asking for;)

We all are the Same

A lil girl came running towards me. It must be atleast 35 degrees outside. But i remained unaffected. I was safe within my airconditioned car. She with her peircing eyes kept peeping thru the closed windows. The heat was seen on her face. She was tired and desperate to sell those lil magazines she held in her hand. Words i doubt she could read. I had two choices. either to roll down the window and purchase something i dont want or just turn the other way. People who live in the metros generally do the later without any guilt. But my conscience wouldnt let me do it. So i rolled down the window,smiled at her and asked her how much a Femina would cost me. She looked at the heap without a clue. I quitely pointed out which one of those was the one, trying to be as modest abt my english medium education i received when i was as young as her. She said phifty ruppes in the typical tone. I removed the money and thanked her. She had the most satisfied look on her face. The same one i ve when i crack a deal with my client who indirectly helped me get the car i am driving today. So we werent all that different huh?

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now.here are the rules>from the male side. These are our rules!.Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!.1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the.changing of the tides..Let it be.>>1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going.to think of it.that way.1. Crying is blackmail..1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one.Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.See a doctor.1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it,just do it yourself.1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to expect an answer you don't want to hear.1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks 1. You have enough clothes.. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I am sure the two boys i know who maybe reading this may agree with me. Its so funny. I am still not gonna change Kanna.

Kanna s Favourite Song

Jannu this ones for You.
Most of you would wonder how we kept our distance for two months n still never let frustration take the better of us. Well to tell u the truth it did. We fought as often as we do now. But one day, he did something absolutely unusual he asked me to guess the lyrics of a song. He typed all the lyrics while we were chatting. (This was the only time i was greatful to technology). I was unable to guess it coz it was neither Rock, Pop, Metal o Alternate Rock. So i gave up. Finally he revealed the singer to me: Peter Cincotti,the song was, 'Come Live Your Life With Me'.
But i was in a bitter mood,brooding upon the way how few days back he wasnt particularly chatty online. So i decided to take his place today. I was mean, sour wid my words n totally emotionless. But he felt jus the opposite. This obviously led to a friction between the two of us and he logged off.
I had taken the revenge but i still felt horrible. Guess i wasnt tht kind of person at all. i always have to "Discuss" things out with him. Only that puts me to peace. Girl i knw..
But knowing him he had his way of showing how much he loves me. So he msged. Let me tell u its a big deal. That msg must have jus cost him around 8 to 10 bucks. International roamin on airtel aint cheap. I was happy. A smile adorned my face. (Inorder to keep my p5rivate life private, i take da decision not to disclose the entire msg). He asked me to find the song as thats exactly how he felt about Me, Us. Yes he can be really romantic whn he wants to. So today i wud like to let Peter do the talkin of how much Kanna loves his Sue.

Peter Cincotti

Come Live Your Life With Me

No one can buy tomorrow

No one can sell their sorrow

But when you look into my eyes

Darling, you'll always see

Love, I will give you love

Come live your life with me

We'll have our good times and even in sad times

With love we will find the way

Nothing else matters but loving each other

The way that we do today

Here in our world together

Love will go on forever

Warm in the shelter of my arms

Darling, you'll always be

Love, I will give you love

Come live your life with me

Here in our world together

Love will go on forever

Warm in the shelter of my arms

Darling, you'll always be

Love, I will give you love

Come live your life with me.

Alone...

To us its always known.
We are here to live alone.
Then why does it hurt when a loved one leaves,
or a friend in you does not believe.
Why a tear adorns your eye,
When someone you trust lies.

To us its always known.
We are here to live alone.
Then why do you still holdon to the one hand that warms your soul.
A part of you, you call your own.
why do wer then search for the one,
A place in your heart for a special someone.
To us its always known.
We are here to live alone.

The Other Side To Him

Most people know Anush as one of this really Macho and indifferent guy. Someone who lacks emotions and can never get Mushy. I too sometimes, like the time that drove me to write my 2nd post, would think the same. I read my previous post and my mind began to abuse me. When i wrote it i didnt think all those emotions ran thru me. My mind was screaming not to enter the Publish button,but i did it anyway. Well i am not here to justify mt last most,o maybe jus a lil.But its days like today that i am reminded of all the wonderful things he has done for me,to celebrate and respect our Love. So da fairytale (only tht its true n very much factual) begins.
One evening early in our relationship, Anush decided to take me out for dinner to this really awesome and uptown restaurant. So i decided to put on my best dress and get ready for a magical eve. We parked outside and like a perfect gentlemen came to my side of the car and opened the door for me to step out. This only the start though. We got ourselves seated in this cozy place for two. We ordered drinks and started our usual chats. He slowly turned the ash tray upside down. I was wondering what was he upto. He then removed a small candle from his back pocket and lit it. I sat there dumbstruck. Just a few days back he asked me what my ideal date wud be like and i had imagined jus this. I was one of the lucky few who lived her dream date. The candle as it flickered light to the already lit room made me realise that i was lucky. I would not in my wildest dream imagine anush to do something like that. I quickly died down the candle and kept it in my bag. This was my first memory with him. I may forget everything someday whn i am old and gray but not once will this slip my mind.
The next incident which is close to my heart is his lil gestures. He would get me a rose and hide it under my seat or in the dashboard. My word was his command. I would jus have to say and it would happen. On several occassion i felt like havin an ice cream i wud jus have to say n the next stop is Naturals and i would be seen savouring my coffee walnut. He would slyly find out my fav band and then go ahead and burn a cd of thier latest album. The best gesture eva was : I am a massive fan of evanescence. He burnt in three cd s all the songs eva available. It wasnt as expensive as a diamond ring maybe but priceless all the same. Who cared about the price it was the intensity of the suprise that i loved.
A whole lot more to come. But untill next time try to digest this first. He hee

Emotions Unsaid

Ronak this ones for you.
Holding him close to me,in his arms,I tried to sum up all those moments that i ll miss in the coming two months. On 1st of Jan when most people welcome the new year with a smile i had to say goodbye to my loved one with tears in my eyes. He stayed still not one drop of tear or regret in his eyes. Thats when i thought he was too much of a man to show his true feelings but surely he feels the same way i do. I had only two days with him the 31st and 1st before he left for Paris on the 4th. Me knowung jus too well that the coming days will go by in a haze. I tried to fit in all those memories of one n a half years of being with him in those two days and locked it deep within my heart. I knew they will get me through those 2 months.
The countdown began as i started to see days go by. We met but for only a few hours and that too i caught anush in one of his worse moods. He had lot on his head. It was the 3rd and we met,knowing only too well that it will be long b4 we meet again. But guess the intensity of the fact never hit him. Like he so conviently mentioned in his post he is not at all emotional, and thats exactly what was missing that day. I cried not so much because he was leaving but cause he didnt feel the distance i already felt. He explains me how differently he thinks about missing me.And i believe him. No two people are the same. Neither are we. So i had to understand that he would be perfectly fine away from me while i ll be living through what i wud clearly term it as hell.
Even before it could sink in he was in Paris. I had practically 100 s of one way conversation. With me sending msgs n not even hoping for a reply. It felt so hollow. I would run to the phone only to find out Airtel had once again been kind enuf to remind me that i was a fool to wait around for a msg. But i knew better than that. I once again comforted myself saying that it was not easy for him to keep in touch and he was doing the best he could. My mailbox stood lonely just like my emptiness.
You know the first time in my life i agree with Anush. He always tells me"sue you love me more than i do?" I never wanted to believe him,but today i do.
His post on the blog made me realise that i was maybe not missed as much as he was. And today i feel stupid to have woken up each day hoping maybe today my phone will ring,just maybe my mailbox will flash his name,jus mayb i ll hear him say what i still wait to hear..
I know jus too well what your reaction is going to be Anush. And honestly i am not blaming you. You were just who you have always been. I just see and hope to see too much of what u not. Hope this post doesnt get misunderstood my anyone,not u esplly. I am sorry if i said things which are incorrect but thats jus how i felt today after readin ur post. Emotions did take the better of me.
I love u still more than u can imagine...

Caught In The Middle

I am not a Hindu. I am not a MUslim. Does that make me any less an Indian. I guess not. Because our bloods shed too when there is a war between religions. Our lives are sacrificed too. Our bodies are charred too. Innocent people die as the guilty live on to take revenge.
Movies like Black Friday and Parzania bring out the truth,truth that is obvious. But still no one wants to hear it. Everyone prefers to be in denial. Theaters are packed with people who only want to pass thier time. The insensity of the movie touches only a few. The few who lived the horror of 1993. The scenes in the movie could barely make me recall what had happened to me. At the age of 9, my memory does not allow me to recall every aspect. But the movie almost after a decade made me realise what my family had been through. To close my eyes and thank God for keeping us safe.
On 2nd March,1993, i turned 9. I didnt do much cause we were already hit by the riots somewhere around decmber and rumours had it that it would be sometime before we had a reason to rejoice. So my parents kept my birthday low profile. March came with a bang (pun intended). As i recollect i was in school. Tensed teachers and parents were gathered in the small compound of my school. My school being situated in the heart of south bombay made it even worse. We were instructed to get out of our classrooms and wait untill one of our parents werent here to take us home. For me it was yet another holiday. Just when i ran to meet the loving arms of my mom all excieted to ask her why we were left so soon, i heard a big blast. It was the worli one. I thought a fire cracker went off. My sister held my had. She 12 then knew beter than that. She said it was a bomb blast. having a very peaceful childhood so far, i was new to these words. But today jus few days after my birthday i was gifted with this. Something i wont forget in a long long time. My father was not in town then. My mom held our hands and rushed us home. The shops were shut. There were police everywhere. We stayed at a very central location. That seemed like a nice idea almost 40 yrs ago when my grandparents bought the house but today they thought again. I was made to sit at home for days. Balcony was off limits to us. News had it that bombs went off several places. But i was refrained from watchin the television either. Muslims who lived in our building had vaccated. So did the Hindus. Majority of us who were neither were stuck there. Men dressed in uniforms haunted the roads day n night with these huge riffles. I heard the shooting voices time and again. But the intensity of the situation never sunk in. Each night i could still sleep in peace. Many Innocent people lost their lives. Neighbours brought in supplies to our house. Soon my dad joined us. He couldnt come earlier cause no trains were allowed to come to Bombay. I was not afraid. I never once felt it. For this i have only my family to thank. My granny used to spin lovely stories at night, you know the happy ending ones,that got us through most of this. Finally after what seemed like centuary of imprisionment at home, we were moved to a safer place in someplace north of bombay. Life was suprisingly normal out there. No men in uniform daunted the street,no bangs and shooting noise. But still we stayed at my uncles place for almost two to three weeks. I was wondering if we ll ever go back. Back to my Home. Would it be safe all by itself.
But i returned. I dont know when or how but i was safe once again at a place i called my home. My family was togather again. My school started a few days later. Life went back to how it used to be. Beside the lil fact that,worried parents still gathered in the compound at 8 am and 4pm. I didnt know it was such a big deal. That thousands had lost their lives. I saw the century bazar, air India building and i could never recognise that once a building stood there in place of these rubbles. It took them only months to clear the place. Bodies were found each time they cleared the rubbles. A loved one was found but yet lost. For me life was no different. For i was untouched by this. But today almost after 122 months i realised the trauma and the significance of March 1993. I sat in the theater dumbstruck. I couldnt believe that i had lived through all of that. I cant believe the reason behind it.
We worry so much about the external terror. The threat to our country across the border. What we really should worry about is Our own people. People who call this Their country. ]
I am not a Hindu. I am not a Muslim. Still i was caught in the middle.

Paris Through His Eyes

I may never have seen what an International Airport lobby looks like or how a stamped visa to europe looks like. I may never know the anxiety one goes through of being in a new land. A land you can never call your own.The feeling of being away from loved ones, to go to a place a stranger calls it his home. All these emotions packed up within,heavier than the bags packed-thats how He felt when he left home to go away for two months to a small town called Angers.
It was the 5th of January,2007. People werent even outta of the new year hangover,that he had to leave. But the worst part being he would turn 21 this year on the 7th of Jan. He was among strangers. People he barely knew for a couple of days. I was sad. Sad that his 21st wont be a memorable one. But how wrong was i. It was maybe one of the best birthday one could have.Maybe even i could not make him feel the way these lovely people he stayed with made him feel. Yes they made him feel at Home. This post or maybe the very pupose of my blog is to show my gratitude to the lovely couple Bernard and Aliette.
I ve known them for two months now.Never once spoken to them or seen them for real. But they were brought to life by Anush. They welcomed him not only to their home but also into their hearts. With them he had found a home away from home. Strangers slowly turned into friends and now what i call them as family. Its funny how staying so far away he s among people he knows and me staying right where i ve been for years still feel like i am among strangers. I thought finding strangers turning into someone you can trust and like was a thing of past. I still find trouble trusting people i ve known for 8 months o more now. But Bernard and Aliette made me believe that it could be true. They not only let him in but me too. Eachday i would look forward to be a part of their family. Secretly pray that someday i could live a life like this. That i grow old with the one i love and love him just as much as they do. I may not be in the position to pass a comment like this one,considering the fact i ve never met them,but i doubt i could be wrong.
Lastly, I thank them to let me in on their lives for the past two months. Making Anush's two months one of the most memorable moments. Through his eyes i saw a world i had never seen in the past 23 years. This all may sound really silly to the ones reading it.
But today Aliette and Bernard are no strangers to me.